


First Kiss

by thedorkmisha



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, SPN - Freeform, Suicide, Trigger warnings:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:11:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2211867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedorkmisha/pseuds/thedorkmisha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is having major issues with alcohol when his best friend Charlie convinces him to go to AA. There he meets his sponsor, Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Kiss

The flames licked up the side of the wooden house, crackling and glowing as they grew ever larger and larger. Yes, California had always been an arid, dry state to live in, but the weather that summer had always been worse than ever. Lightning strikes, as if sent from some mighty god in the sky, had ignited what sparse greenery that grew around the town of Palo Alto. The Sierra Nevada stood threateningly to the east of the Bay Area, blocking any rain that could extinguish the flames. So, in reality, nothing but precognition could have prevented the fire that took everything from Sam: his home, his love, and his life.

 

Suddenly the flames in the dream grew, and he was forced to run scrambling for his life. Burning planks fell from the sky, and although he ran faster and faster to escape from this living hell, he never seemed to be able to escape the touch of the flames. Every square inch of his skin seemed to be burning, the fire searing his skin and eating into him, almost down to his very bones. 

 

He couldn’t stop running, faster and faster and still faster. Finally, just when Dean had begun to think he could not take the relentless assault of flame, heat exploded across his skin in one last searing streak and he shot awake. The room around him was dark, the air stifling and hot and smelling strongly of alcohol. No light could be seen through the heavy curtains in his room and the darkness lay heavily on him, like a blanket, always seeming to push the life out of him. Groping, Dean fumbled for a bottle of whiskey, incongruously hoping that he had left one by his bed somewhere.

 

Finally, Dean’s fingers grazed the bottle, pulling it closer to him. He knew he should turn on the light, but it would be too bright and hurt his eyes-besides, it would force him to wake up and face the reality of his life. There was a darkness inside of him, and at this rate, dreaming of fire in the dead of night, it would consume him.

 

********************

It was 7am, and what was she doing? Dreaming of her princess charming? No, she was cleaning up Dean’s mess. Like she was for months now. Since the accident.

 

This fire ended Sam’s life, that’s true, but it destroyed Dean’s, and his agony was much worse. Charlie couldn’t handle it anymore. Like it can happen even to the best player in a game, the party was not at their advantage. But the young woman had learn that one simple event could radically change a destiny. After all, if Luke Skywalker didn’t find R2-D2, nothing would have happened! Well Dean only needed to find his R2D2, his anchor with the world. Something that would give him a reason to move on.

 

She thought a lot about it. At first, she believed he needed time, they all did. Sam and Jess’s deaths were a true loss for all of them. But then, Charlie saw him going deeper and deeper in sadness. He started by not going out anymore, not even to by pie! He couldn’t get out of bed and the shower became optional. His door was locked and he refused to answer her, or eat anything. But one day he finally came out and hugged her and told her he was going out. She was so relieved that he was finally starting to get better. It was when he came back with 3 bottles of whiskey that the smile on her face faded away.

 

The young woman didn’t know where he was getting the money, or hiding the bottles, and she wished she could’ve ignored it. But the fact was that everyday he was drunk. Not the aggressive angry drunk, but a depressed one. He could sit for hours, staring at nothing, not moving, not even crying. He was just there, wondering about who knows what.

 

It reached a point where he was sick every day. Not only mornings, but any time in the day. He was on an almost permanent drunk state. But today it was enough, This self destruction process needed to end.

 

She couldn’t help him, she tried over and over, being nice and comprehensive, or yelling at him, nothing worked. It was time to get him an exterior help.

 

It didn’t take her long to find one after cleaning up the living room. Dean was still sleeping, she went on her computer and a few minutes later, the answer was there: the AA. People who had met a lot of difficulties in life, who fell in alcoholism but decided to get out. A community helping each of the members to get better. This is where she needed Dean to go.

Now, there was only one thing to do, talk with him about it.

 

************************

 

Dean was sitting at the table, the first time in days. His hands holding his head like it was the heaviest thing in the world.

 

“D-Dean” Charlie asked hesitantly. He didn’t move. She took a deep breath and spoke louder, “Dean. I need to talk to you. It’s important”. He looked up at her, a scary empty look. “Dean, you can’t continue like this, destroying yourself. I can’t let you die slowly, day after day. I love you too much for that. You need to ask for help. You need to go to AA”

 

At these words, Dean stood up “I won’t go to this stupid thing! Do you think someone can help me? I don’t want to be helped! I don’t want to get better! Without Sammy? Jess? Mom? Dad? Why would I stay alive? Why?”

 

“Because people need you. Because I need you. You still can save so many lives, help so many people.” answered Charlie, tears in her eyes, her voice shaking with emotion.

“I need you Dean. Please… I need you” Charlie turned away, trying to hide her tears.

She heard the sound of the chair scraping the floor, and soon after, Dean’s arms hugging her. She let her back rest on his chest, her tears going down her cheeks.

 

“I’ll go.” He whispered in her ears. “I’ll go.”

 

The day after, before changing his mind, he left the house to go to his first AA meeting. Charlie insisted to go with him, like he was going to buy drink instead. Well, she was not completely wrong; with her on his side, it was less hard to resist the need to run in the first drug store and buy booze. She accompanied him till the door of the building the AA meeting was in, quite hesitant about what to do.

 

“You can go now Charlie, you brought me here, I won’t leave. I won’t disappoint you today. I told you I would go and I will. The rest is up for me to do.”

 

She nodded her head, hugged him and went back to the car. He knew she would wait to see him enter to leave. He was not hurt by her lack of trust. She was right after all. No one should ever put their trust in someone like him.

 

He turned his back to Charlie, to the car, to the world behind him, and with a deep breath, pushed the door.

 

*****

 

“So, Dean, do you wanna share some things about yourself to the group?”

 

Dean shifted around in his seat a little bit and crossed his arms, his uncomfortableness seeming very apparent to everyone around him.

 

“Nah, I’m alright Ash” he replied with a slightly over-confident tone in his voice.

 

“You sure? Better out than in, you know?” Ash knew what Dean was trying to do, after all he had seen and heard the same thing plenty of times before, but with Dean he felt that there was something deeper, something…dark. Something that make Dean Winchester stand out from the endless lists of people he had worked with in the past, and not for a good reason.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I just…” Dean trailed off as he noticed everyone else in the room staring at him. He couldn’t remember a time he’d felt more uncomfortable.

 

He shifted around in his seat a little more and unfolded his arms to awkwardly adjust his chair. The room was completely silent excluding the slight squeaking of the plastic that Dean was sat in and his shuffling.

 

He was trying to avoid the question and everyone knew it.

 

“Dean?” Ash released him from his thoughts and looked at him with a concerned face.

 

“What? Oh, uh- sorry I just sorta spaced out there for a minute” Dean awkwardly chuckled.

 

Dean took a rather large sigh. He didn’t even want to be here. He didn’t want to tell all these strangers about his drinking and all the crap that comes along with it. He didn’t want to just casually blurt out everything he had been keeping inside of him for months like it’s no big deal. But he had to. For Charlie. She’s the only one who cared enough to make him come here in the first place, and this thing is supposed to help people, right? It was the least he could do for her, especially after all the things he’s made her put up with.

 

Dean sat forward, clasping his hands and lowered his gaze to his scuffed brown boots before taking a shorter, less-obvious sigh. He began talking in a low voice, not daring to lift his gaze from his shoes.

 

“It started off a couple months ago. I was uh, feeling a little less like myself. One of my friends thought it was depression or something but I didn’t believe it at first. I was just trying to go around like everything was fine- like it was all still the same and nothing had changed, but it was so damn hard to keep up. It was like there was something just eating away at me, you know? Like there was this huge weight on me all the time and I’d find it hard to even leave the house some days. And then I was sleeping less. Not that I was a heavy sleeper before or anything but, I just couldn’t sleep properly. I’d wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and never get back to sleep. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I wanted to block out all these thoughts in my head and just sleep, I couldn’t do it. That’s when I started drinking, a lot. It started out as a few beers a day, maybe a little whiskey now and again- but it just went downhill so fast.”

 

He chuckled sadly, almost mocking the Dean he would do anything to bring back. The silence in the air was so thick that he swore that the lady next to him could hear how fast his heart was beating. Dean cleared his throat before continuing.

 

“When I was drunk, i’d forget. I wasn’t exactly my old self again, but it was better than what I’m like now and sober. So then I started drinking a few more beers than I normally would, and then the number of glasses of whiskey and scotch I’d drink a day just kept going up. It’d help me sleep too, but I’d get nightmares sometimes. But then my friend, the one who thinks I’m depressed, realised that the more I drank the more my sober state was getting worse. When I was sober i’d just shut down and push everyone out, well, there was only about 2 people to actually push out, and I wanted to drink. All the time. And when I was drunk I wanted more until I passed out or started yelling and picking fights with some poor guy at a random bar. And that became my life. Sleep, shack up, drink, repeat.”

 

Dean finally looked up at his surroundings. Everyone was staring at him with sympathy plastered over their faces and he wished he could take back everything he could.

 

“But that friend I was mentioning, she made me come here. So uh, here I am” he tried to say in his most optimistic voice, but it more or less came out in the opposite way Dean wanted it to come out.

 

Ash finally spoke, relieved and frankly quite proud of Dean for telling the group about his situation, during their first session as well. He wanted Dean to get better, he really did. Not just because he’s addicted to alcohol, but because he felt that there was something bigger behind it all.

 

“Thank you Dean, that was really awesome of you. Your friend sounds like a good person, it’s important to hold onto people like that if you’re lucky enough to have them in your life.” Ash directed to the rest of the group.

 

Dean mumbled a quiet “yeah” before slumping back into his seat. Ash was right. Charlie was too good to Dean. He didn’t even understand why she stuck with him for all this time, but frankly she was really all he had at this moment. If his best friend left now because of his crappy attitude he didn’t know what he would do.

 

“Before we continue sharing.” Ash stood up along with another man next to him. He was tall, not Dean tall but still tall. He had black hair that contrasted with his bright blue eyes and he was only looking at Dean. “Dean, this is your first time at AA so you still need a sponsor. Which is what he’s here for.” Ash patted the man on the shoulder. “Castiel here is going to do that.” Castiel smiled and nodded towards Dean who gave a small wave. “So you two should get to know each other when our time is up. You can figure that out cause.” Ash finished his sentence with a flick of his hand like he wasn’t up to planning that himself.

 

“So, who would like to go next? Crowley, how about you?” Ash said, looking at a man a few seats away from Dean.

 

He looked up at Ash. “Sure, I’ll go. I, uh, recently got back in touch with Gavin, my son.” The room was quiet, and everyone gave Crowley their attention. He cleared his throat and continued.

 

“I wasn’t the best father. I drank too much and hurt him sometimes. He left during high school, to live with his mother, and I haven’t seen him in years. But being part of this group has made me realize my mistakes. I wanted to make amends before it was too late.” Crowley had looked down at the floor while speaking. But when he looked up, Dean could see the guilt and remorse in his eyes.

 

Crowley continued his story. “We’re going to meet in a few days. I don’t even know where I can begin to apologize, but I want to have a relationship with him. This wouldn’t have been possible without everyone’s support, so I wanted to thank you all. This group has given me a reason to become a better person, and I really think I’m on the way there.”

 

Ash smiled. “That’s great, Crowley. We wish you the best.” Ash started clapping, and soon enough everyone in the room followed. Dean could see Castiel clapping, and he followed.

 

“Bobby, what about you? Do you have any news? How are you and Jody doing?” Ash asked, once the clapping died down.

 

Dean saw Castiel glance at him, and focused his gaze on Bobby. But when Castiel looked away, Dean glanced back.

 

“Jody’s great. She’s really been helping me. She keeps alcohol out of the house and stops me from getting it somewhere else. With her help, I’m 68 days sober.” Bobby said, a small smile on his face.

 

He was impressed. For him, it was nerve-wracking to think about going even a few days without a few drinks. 68 days seemed impossible. But this man had done it.

 

The meeting continued in the same fashion. Jo, a petite blonde, had talked about conflict with her mother because of her drinking. A man named Garth had told the group that his mother in law, Joy, had tried to kill himself and his wife, Bess, and it had driven him to alcohol. He and his wife were both trying to keep him sober, but so far their efforts have been to no avail.

 

Dean took a chance to glance at Castiel again. This time, bright blue eyes met his own. He quickly looked away, and searched desperately for something, anything to look at.

 

Despite his staring at Castiel, Dean did listen to some of the meeting. He heard Max Miller talk about how his relatives that abused him had driven him toward alcohol, and he’d even attempted suicide. Meg Masters had a little sister that had killed herself.

 

They went around sharing their stories until everyone in the circle had gone once. Ash remained calm and positive the entire time. He encouraged those who, like Kevin Tran, had lost hope.

 

Everyone here had been sober for a significant time now. With all of their problems, Dean was amazed that some of them still had the strength to get up in the morning. But their stories had almost inspired him. Maybe he could do this.

 

*******************

 

“Ok thank you everyone for coming today. You all did a great job.” Ash stood up, signaling the end of the hour long meeting, everyone else soon stood up too.

 

Dean stood near his seat as the group of people shuffled to the door. He was trying to look for the guy with the bright blue eyes and the tan trenchcoat but he wasn’t anywhere in the crowd. Dean looked over his shoulder back to where Ash was sitting, finding him exchanging

unhearable words with his new sponsor.

 

As they both said goodbye in a form of a mutual nod Castiel walked straight over to Dean.

 

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel stuck out his hand to Dean who gladly accepted it. “I don’t think we have formally met yet. I’m Castiel.”

 

“Oh well thats a mouthful isn’t it?” Dean smiled as Castiel laughed, “Why don’t I just call you… Cas. How does Cas sound?”

 

“Yeah Cas sounds good.” They exchanged brief smilies before Castiel gestured for Dean to follow him out the building.

 

“So how is this going to go down?” Dean asked as they walked down the rows of cars in the parking lot.

 

“Just get in your car and follow me.” Castiel took his keys out of his tan trench coat and unlocked his car as Dean jogged two cars down to his own.

 

Castiel got into his car and pulled out and waited for Dean to show up behind him in his car. When Dean’s 67 impala came into the view of Castiel’s mirror he sat back in his seat. He put the car into drive and turned his stereo on to whatever album was last playing, happy it turned out to be the Led Zeppelin IV album, and started to drive.

 

******************

 

Dean pulled into a driveway right after Castiel’s car did and was in awe. Assuming this was Castiel’s house, which Dean couldn’t think of what else it would be, he had no idea how wealthy Castiel really was.

 

There was a black cast iron gate with beautiful designs for bars. The cobblestone driveway was straight until the end where it curved into a loop with a small fountain in the middle. The property was surrounded by various trees and bushes giving it complete privacy from the road it was offset from. The house itself was perfectly white with a black entrance door with frosted windows.

 

The inside of the house was more beautiful than the outside, which was all Dean could say for it because he was immediately welcomed at the door before he could gather his thoughts about the house.

 

“Isn’t it a little early for a quickie, Castiel?” Dean heard someone joke looked in the direction of the the voice, he saw Castiel standing with another man. He was a pretty tall, the same height as Castiel, in fact. He was wearing a black blazer with a grey V-neck. Dean honestly didn’t know who he was, it was the french accent that threw him off the most.

 

“Cas.” Dean whispered and Castiel came a few steps over to him. “Is that your husband?”

 

Castiel laughed, “No Dean this is my brother Balthazar.”

 

“Wow you both have quite the names. Dean.” Dean joked as they shook hands.

 

“All of us are named after angels, if you haven’t noticed.” Balthazar stepped back over to Castiel.

 

“Wait… All of you? There’s more?” Dean wondered how many siblings he actually had.

 

“You didn’t give him the run down, Cassie?” Balthazar turned towards Dean, “Well good luck catching all the names. I’m going out. It was a pleasure to meet you Dean.”

 

“So how many of you are there?” Dean asked as Balthazar closed the door behind him.

 

“A lot.” Castiel started walking and Dean followed close behind.

 

“You have a pool?!” Dean asked excitedly has the body of water caught his eye through the french doors of the kitchen.

 

As Dean walked out he saw two other people sitting by the pool, “Who are they?”

 

“Well that one is Lucifer.” Castiel pointed to the taller one. He was probably a good 6’1 and matched Dean’s height with short, dirty blonde hair. “And that one is Gabriel.” Dean pointed to the shorter one of the two. From the height of the family so far probably one of the shortest one of all of them. He had brown hair, about the length of Sam’s before he died.

 

“Everyone looks so different in your family, Cas.” Dean was confused how all of these people could be from one bloodline.

 

“Yeah we get that a lot. Well the rest are out, come on ill take you upstairs.”

 

When they did get to Castiel’s room it was huge. It was probably the master bedroom of the house. But that wasn’t the part Dean cared about. In the corner he had a record player with a shelf dedicated to records next.

 

“No way, Cas. No way.” Dean looked at some of the records before finally choosing the same Led Zeppelin album Castiel was playing in the car. “ACDC, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin. How did you get these on records?” Dean asked as he put the album on the player and walked back over to Castiel, who was now sitting on one of 3 chairs he had by the fireplace.

 

Castiel shrugged, “I have connections through work.”

 

“So how did you get the big shot room?” Dean looked around at the enormous room and sat in a chair across from Castiel.

 

“Well i’m the one doing the largest amount of expenses for this house so it was kind of a given.”

 

“Jesus, Cas what do you do to be able to get those” Dean gestured to the records, “and this house?”

 

“I’m a producer.”

 

“Oh wow. I used to want to be a director when I was a kid.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. My brother, Sammy, and I used to put on little movies when we were kids. He and his friends would come over and I would film it and everything. He would always want to be a knight. I told him ‘Sammy this isn’t about knights you can’t be a knight.’ And he would always give me this puppy dog look…” Dean trailed off, looking at the floor.

 

“Dean? Dean are you ok?” Dean snapped his head up towards Castiel, who had a concerned look on his face. “Dean what’s wrong?”

 

“My brother. He… uh… He died in a house fire a few months back.” Deans eyes filled with tears, yet not one fell. “He and his girlfriend, Jess. That’s why I got into drinking. Because I couldn’t save Sammy.”

 

“Dean, i’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No Cas it’s fine you didn’t know. Besides, I was going to have to tell you eventually.” Dean wiped his eyes and came up with a forced smile. “Now, I have an important question to ask you now.”

 

Castiel tilted his head and squinted his eyes, “What is it?”

 

“Asia or Styx.”

 

Castiel laughed. He admired how Dean could seem happy even right after what he told him. But at the same time he knew eventually Dean was going to have to let out what Castiel knew he was keeping stored away somewhere inside. “Come on is that even a question? Styx of course, Dennis Deyoung is Mr Roboto bitch!”

 

“I knew I liked you, Cas. I had a feeling.” They both exchanged smiles before continuing with the conversation.

 

They talked for what they thought to be hours. Just getting to know each other. Castiel found out Dean was living with Charlie, quit his job when Sam died. Dean found out Castiel grew up without parents, his brothers and sister have been all he has

 

**************************

 

Cas had thought that it had been a peaceful day, one that seemed too good to be true. He was right.

 

Cas had been lying around the pool in the backyard of his house, just relaxing and watching as the calm water gently rippled due to a slight breeze in the afternoon air. His eyes had just started to slip closed when he heard the back door opening, jolting him back awake. He looked around to see who it was, and saw that Anna was walking towards him, a wireless phone in her hand.

 

“What is it, Anna?” Castiel asked, wondering what could be wrong on such a good day.

 

“There’s a phone call for you,” She explained, holding the phone out to him, “A man named Dean Winchester?” At the sound of the name, Cas immediately sat a little straighter, taking his eyes off the water and directly towards the phone.

 

Castiel took the phone from her hand without asking anymore questions.

 

“Well ok then.” Anna furrowed her brow and walked off, she wasn’t that pissed about it, she just wanted to make a point.

 

“Dean?” He asked cautiously, worried.

 

“Cas, I need your help,” Dean replied through the receiver, sounding tired.

 

“What’s wrong?” Cas asked, turning to move his legs off the lawn chair he was sitting on.

 

“I need a drink, Cas,” Dean nearly moaned, “The pain’s coming back, I don’t want to feel it.” Cas reached up to rub his jawline.

 

“I’m coming right now.” Castiel said in a calm panic, grabbing his t-shirt and shoes before starting to run for his car. He knew there wasn’t a point in trying to talk him out of it on the phone.

 

“Please hurry,” Dean said, nearly in a whisper. “I need somebody.”

 

*********************

 

Castiel pulled into an empty space in the parking lot and jogged over to Dean, who was sitting on the steps of his apartment building.

 

“Dean are you ok?” Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes as he looked up, checking for any glassy look or redness.

 

“Yeah Cas i’m fine. Well i’m not fine but i’m not drunk.” Dean let out a deep sigh.

 

Castiel stood in front of Dean without saying a word. Just looking at him with his head in his hands.

 

“Dean.” Castiel broke the silence after a minute.

 

“What, Cas?” Dean didn’t take his head out of his hands.

 

“Come with me, you need to clear your head.” Castiel nodded his head over to where he parked his car.

 

“So what, are we going to do yoga on the beach.” Dean looked up as Castiel laughed and held out a hand to help Dean up, who gladly took it.

 

“Not quite.”

 

**********************

 

Dean smiled as Castiel pulled into a diner, he knew he never told Castiel how much he loved diner food, but at the same time, he knew Castiel didn’t choose this setting on accident.

 

“You really know a way to a fella’s heart don’t ya, Cas?” Castiel looked over to Dean as he took the keys out of the ignition and nodded as he laughed.

 

“Lucky guess. Now come on it’s going to get hot in here real soon if the AC doesn’t get turned on again.”

 

The air inside the diner was warm, filled with the thrumming waves of chatter, and the building was swathed with red, orange, and yellow that reminded Dean of the kitchen in his childhood home. Again, it was obvious that Castiel had put thought into where he was taking Dean, the place seemingly designed for the purpose of comforting warmth. Diners had always felt like home to Dean, and with Cas there, he felt genuinely safe and comforted, like nothing bad could ever happen to him.

 

A hostess stood at the front desk, seemingly interested in Dean’s nostalgic expression “How many?”

 

Dean snapped out of his thoughts and answered, after taking a second to think about the question “Two, please.”

 

As the hostess lead Dean and Castiel to a booth next to a window she offered them each menus, to which only Castiel took, being the one who didn’t order the same thing everytime he went to a diner.

 

Dean noticed a small brochure lying on the table, advertising various beers at the diner. Cas’ blue eyes flicked upwards, away from the menu and landed on Dean, squinting as they strained to read the words on the paper that Dean was holding. Silently, he placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder and, still staring at him, took the brochure away.Castiel looked down to see Dean’s finger tapping to the beat of the song and heard him slowly dive in and out of singing along just loud enough for Castiel to hear.

 

“When I was younger so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in any way…”

 

Castiel was going to ask what he was doing, but Dean seemed happy singing along. Not to mention how much Castiel himself was enjoying listening to Dean’s deep voice hit every note he sang seemingly on point. So he figured he would look back to the menu and listen in on the bits of the song Dean would sing.

 

He scanned over the menu a few times, picking out 3 or 4 things he was considering.

 

“Help me if you can i’m feeling down, and I do appreciate you being round.”

 

Castiel finally decided on what he ordered as Dean got to the second chorus, waiting for him to finish before he called the waitress over.

 

“Help me, get my feet back on the ground, won’t you please, please, help me.”

 

Castiel called the waitress over with a wave of his hand, as she asked Dean what he wanted to order he took a break from singing long enough to order a bacon cheeseburger then go right back to singing again, Castiel coincidentally choosing the same.

 

As Dean finished up the song Castiel thought it was a good time to ask, “You know that song?”

 

“ ‘Help’ by the Beatles? Hell yeah I do!” Dean said, like knowing it was a requirement to walk on this earth.

 

“Well, you’d be surprised how many people only know the well known songs by heart.” Castiel said, hinting at his extensive knowledge of his favorite band. “My sister, Anna, was a casual listener of the Beatles when we were just kids. I remember one day I heard the music blasting out of her walkman and decided that I had to listen to it myself. Since then, I’ve fallen in love with it.”

 

“Well you got good taste.” Dean smiled and took a sip of water.

 

It didn’t take long for their burgers to be placed in front of them and when they did the two didn’t hesitate to dive in.

 

“So…” Dean started, taking another bite of his burger, “I haven’t seen you at the AA meetings. Where’ve you been man?”

 

“I don’t go to the AA meetings. I just went to the one because it was your first day. I’m here for you, Dean. Only you.”

 

“So you never told me,” Dean started, pushing some fries into his mouth. “Why did you become a sponsor? I mean it’s not something many people think of doing out of the blue. What started you on it?”

 

Castiel sat across from Dean silently, looking down at his hands, contemplating whether or not he should answer Dean or tell him to drop it.

 

Dean saw the look on Castiel’s face and he immediately regretted asking him, “Nevermind, Cas. Its totally fine if you don’t want to tell-”

 

“I was nine.” Castiel interrupted, still staring at his hands. “I was nine years old when it happened. I still remember every detail of it.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me, Cas. I totally get it. We all have our demons.”

 

“It was dark outside when it happened.” Castiel carried on, now staring out the window, “May 19th. My father always had drinking problems. He would come home every two weeks, stumble into the room and just start screaming at my mom. Eventually it got to the point where he would hurt her. My mom was a proud woman, though. She would never leave him. Even when she needed to cover up her bruises and black eyes, she would stay. But May 19th was different.

 

Me and my mom were sitting at the kitchen table when she heard my dad open the door. She knew he was off work 2 hours ago, and the only explanation was he stopped at a bar. ‘Go up to your room and hide, Castiel’ she said to me. I didn’t know why I had to go hide, but I did. I guess my mom sensed something was different about this time.” Castiel paused and took a deep breath. The truth was, Dean was the first person he could remember telling the story to.

 

“I ran into my room, closed the door and hid under my bed.” He continued, voice getting weaker, “I saw from under the crack of the door, shadows of my parents standing in front of it. They were yelling. There was so much yelling.” Castiel could feel himself start to slip into a vulnerable state as tears welled around his eyes.

 

“All of a sudden there was a bang.” Castiel wiped his eyes before they started to pour tears, “I didn’t know what it was at first. I thought my dad had knocked something over like he has done before. But then I heard my mom drop to the floor. It took all the strength I had not to call out for her.” Castiel looked over to Dean, who looked like he was also on the verge of tears by the story. “Then my door opened. I saw my dad’s shoes, stained with my moms blood, come through the door. I thought that was it. I was ready to crawl out from under the bed to accept my fate. But my dad just sat down on my bed. He sat in silence for what seemed like forever. But it wasn’t forever, because the last thing I ever heard him say was ‘I’m sorry, Cassie.’ then the same loud bang.” Castiel took a minute to recover himself, wiping his eyes again and clearing his throat.

 

Dean knew he should get Castiel out of here and help cheer him up. He didn’t mean to bring back so many terrible details of that night. “Why don’t you go wait in the car while I get the check and we can get some air.” Castiel nodded and got up to go sit in the car.

 

Dean came out of the diner after about a minute or so, walking over to the drivers side he motioned for Castiel to roll down the window, “I’m driving.”

 

“Why?” Castiel questioned, it was his car and for all he knew, he was going to drop Dean off back where he lived.

 

“Because.” Dean still stood outside the drivers door, “Just let me drive.”

 

“Fine.” Castiel got out and walked over to the passenger side.

 

Castiel didn’t have a big crying fit at the diner, but he did still cry. Enough for him to fall asleep to the sound of Stairway To Heaven Dean was playing. He was completely out until he felt Dean rocking his shoulder back and forth and whispering if he was asleep or not.

 

“Yes Dean I was asleep.” Castiel groaned, wishing Dean would give him five more minutes.

 

“Well get up cause we’re here.”

 

“Where?” Castiel groaned again, looking out his window and seeing nothing close to what Dean’s apartment building looked like.

 

“Its Mulholland Drive, Cas.” Dean said, walking over to the front of the car can resting against it, Castiel soon joining him.

 

It was about 3 in the afternoon. Even though the famous drive-up city view of Los Angeles wasn’t illuminated by lights like it is in the night it still looked magnificent.

 

“Dean, why did you bring me here?” Castiel asked, he too leaning on the hood of the car.

 

“This is where I go when I need to clear my head.” Dean stared off into the view, “Thought it might work for you.”

 

The two looked out on the city view in silence for quite some time, but Dean knew he had to apologize.

 

“Look, Cas. I’m sorry I asked what got you into being a sponsor. I’m sure you don’t tell many people that story.”

 

“Actually, I don’t think I have told anyone.” Castiel averted his gaze from the view and over to Dean, who was already looking at him. “Besides, you have really been trying to get your life back on track. I know its hard for you to open up, but i’m glad you have.” Dean nodded but turned his eyes to another direction.

 

“Yeah… About that…” Dean took a deep breath in. Even thinking of saying it makes his heart swell and his eyes water, which is why he hasn’t told a soul. “The fire.”

 

“Dean. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t-”

 

“No Castiel. I have to. Because I lied to you. I lied to everyone.”

 

“Dean what do you mean you lied?” Castiel turned to face Dean, turning all his attention towards him. Not like he ever payed attention to anything else.

 

“He didn’t die in a fire.” Dean could feel the first tear dance down the side of his cheek and wet the dry dirt they were standing on.

 

Castiel stood silent, giving Dean time to gather his thoughts to decide whether or not he wants to continue with the story or not.

 

“He was with me when the fire happened.” Dean started back on within a minute, tears slowly starting to pick up in quantity. “I called him up and asked him if he wanted to spend some time just us brothers together down here in LA.” Dean wiped another tear away, his voice already shaky. “He didn’t get the call until it was too late.”

 

Castiel himself could feel himself slipping back into a crying state as he heard Dean slowly break down. But Dean didn’t stop. He needed to get it out before it killed him.

 

“I went to the funeral with him a week later. We didn’t have a wake though. The body was… It was too burnt. Sam wouldn’t leave the grave. He just stood there, say ‘i’m sorry’ over and over again.” Dean paused to sniffle and wipe his eyes on his arm. “Sammy was never the same after that. For weeks he never talked to me. He quit his job, never went outside. I was worried about him. One day I went to his house, I know its a long drive for a surprise check up but he’s my kid brother.” Dean tried to keep his voice from cracking, but it wasn’t working. “I come in and I walk around the house, ‘Sammy? Where are you kid?’ I kept saying. But I didn’t hear anything. I got to the bedroom, the door was closed but he didn’t answer when I knocked so I went in anyways. And there he was.” Dean could practically drown in his tears, somehow he was still able to speak. “I ran to him, I kept yelling ‘Sammy? Sammy! Wake up you son of a bitch! Don’t leave me Sammy!’ I tried to bandage the cuts on his wrist… But there was…” Dean looked at his hands as if there was still blood on them, “There was just so much blood. I couldn’t do anything. I called the ambulance, but it was too late. My brother… My baby brother… He was gone, Cas. I was alone. He left me alone forever.” Dean didn’t bother to wipe his tears anymore. There wasn’t a point when there was nothing to stop them.

 

“Dean, you are not alone. You have Charlie. You have me, Dean. You have me.” Castiel didn’t realize he was crying until a tear just happened to touch his lip.

 

Dean smiled, though the tears didn’t stop, “Thanks, Cas.”

 

Castiel smiled and turned back to the view, Dean still staring at him.

 

“Hey, Cas can I ask you something?”

 

“Anything you wish, Dean.”

 

“Well, um, Charlie asked me to go to this LARP thing she does on the weekends sometimes. I’ve never done it and I thought you might want to come with me? You should really meet Charlie. She’s great.”

 

Castiel didn’t have to think too hard whether or not he wanted to go, “Of course. I would love to go with you.”

 

“Great.” Dean nodded, not sure what else to say, he suggested it was time for him to get back to his apartment.

 

************************

 

“Ah Dean that’s too tight come on I can barely breathe.” Castiel yelped as Dean pulled tightly on the strings of his outfit.

 

“Look, Cas, you’re the one who wanted to be a knight. Now suck it up and suck it in, whoever last wore this must’ve missed a weeks worth of lunches.” Dean pulled on the strings one more time before Cas finally gave in.

 

“I give up! I take it back, its not worth my organs shifting around.” Dean sighed and started untying the strings.

 

“Look Charlie’s waiting for us, so hurry up.” Dean said, averting his eyes from Castiel, who was now shirtless and roaming the wardrobe for a shirt.

 

Dean looked around the large tent Charlie lived in during this LARP experience. He had to admit, he was impressed by the way she decorated the red tent with yellows, golds and reds around the place.

 

“How about this?” Castiel lifted his arms out and showed Dean what he picked out.

 

Castiel decided on a loose cream shirt. Dean thought it resembled a pirates shirt without all the dumb ruffles or strings. On top of that he put on an open black leather vest with white buttons. In the process he also seemed to change his pants to a dark brown with knee high black boots.

 

“Yeah… Thats uh… Thats great Cas.” Dean looked down at what he was wearing, a white long sleeved shirt with black cuffs and a red-orange-brown short sleeved shirt with a chest-lengthed chain draped over him, wondering if maybe he should tone it down. But he shrugged it off and picked up a wooden sword along with Cas before heading out to meet Charlie.

 

Dean and Castiel didn’t have to look hard for the apparent queen of this whole thing. Within minutes Dean spotted his friend.

 

“Dean!” Charlie ran over to Dean as he waved to her, Castiel looking on as they exchanged a short hug.

 

“Cas, this is Charlie. Charlie this is Cas. My uh-”

 

“Sponsor.” Castiel finished in a low whisper. “I’m his sponsor.”

 

Charlie looked over to Dean who just smiled and nodded. She turned back to Castiel and stuck her hand out towards Castiel, “Well its great to meet you, Cas. Dean has told me a lot about you.”

 

“Well I hope he didn’t ruin all the surprises.” Castiel smiled and shook her hand.

 

“Alright we’re doing a battle in a few minutes. You bitches ready?” Charlie looked at the two of them then spun around and led them to the open field where they would be fighting strangers with wooden swords for the next half an hour and enjoy every minute of it.

As the battle came to an end and everyone slowly made their way back to their tents Charlie brought out a basket of food and told them she knew a place they can all go eat without being bothered. Castiel smiled as he saw they were going into the woods and off the beaten path, contrary to Dean who groaned by the very probable long walk.

 

After a short 5 minutes the three of them emerged to a decent sized clearing with a stream running through the middle.

 

“Charlie, this place is beautiful.” Castiel looked around the quiet clearing as he put the blanket they were going to eat on down.

 

“So no one else knows about this?” Dean was a little shocked Charlie could keep this place a secret, especially being the one person everyone knew.

 

“Yep. Just us three. Dean, come over here and help us set up.”

 

Dean spread out the plaid red and white blanket out on the grass, while Cas and Charlie unpacked the food from the basket.

 

“So, Charlie. What made you start LARPing anyways?” Castiel took one of the cans of Coke and a sandwich.

 

“Well,” said Charlie, taking the other two of each, “I was seven when I first read the Harry Potter series. For years after that, My dream was to go to Hogwarts and be the next Hermione.”

“I remember when you finished the first books.” Dean looked over to Charlie, “You came over to our yard, running around with a twig you found in your yard. Yelling a bunch of spells I had no idea about.”

 

“When I was twelve,” Charlie continued, “I won a statewide competition for game programming, and won enough money for one vacation to anywhere within the country. Since my Hogwarts letter had never arrived, I decided to go to-”

 

“Let me guess.” Castiel interrupted, “Universal Studios?”

 

“Of course!” Charlie replied, playfully hitting Cas on the arm. “When I was there, my parents let me buy wizarding robes and my own wand, just like H’s. I wore that costume to my first Comic Con, where I met a group of Role Players. We used an online community to role play, but every year we had an annual LARPing meet up.”

 

Dean looked on as the two continued to talk, sometimes jumping in himself. He loved watching the two people he relied on so much get along. They probably talked for hours, for all they knew, but when they did finish talking it was late enough and Dean and Castiel decided it was time to change and head back to the center of the kingdom.

 

The sky was darkening, and the the twilight was beginning to come over the forest.

 

“Dean can I use your phone? I left mine at home and I should probably call home.”

 

“Yeah Cas go ahead its in my jacket pocket in Charlie’s tent.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

As Castiel jogged into the tent, Charlie and Dean took the time to finally be able to talk face to face, one on one.

 

“Dean,” Charlie started in a low voice, “how is AA going? Is it helping?”

 

Dean’s mind flashed back over the past few weeks of his life, ever since the day he’d met Cas. To be honest, he hadn’t thought AA would have made any difference at all, but there was something about Cas that was so profoundly good, and caring, that made him feel as if he really should stop drinking.

 

“Yeah. Yeah its helping.” Dean said with a genuine smile, which Charlie hadn’t seen in months. “So how long are you going to be here for?”

“Probably a week ish.”

 

Castiel didn’t have to look hard to find Dean’s jacket lying on the bed next to his own. He reached into one pocket and felt around for the phone but instead pulled out a crumpled piece of paper that had

To Charlie and Cas scribbled along with July 14th. Castiel knew the date, he knew what this was. It was the day he was going to drink. He knew this was going to be his note to end it all, and he wasn’t ready to look at it. Castiel shoved the note in his pocket without giving it the smallest look and went outside, not bothering with the phone.

 

***********************

 

Cas’ phone rang, “Hey Jude” by the Beatles belting from the speakers, alerting him that Dean was calling him.

 

"Dean?"

 

"Heya, Cas," Dean said. His words were slow and thick.

Slurred.

 

Castiel felt panic settling over his body. His heart stuttered, and he asked, “Dean, are you drunk?”

 

“‘Course not. ‘S nothin’.” Dean gave an actual giggle then. “Why’m I even talkin’ t’you, anyway?” he asked, and hung up.

 

Alarmed, Castiel shrugged on a coat, grabbed his keys and drove as quickly as he could to Dean’s house, without breaking the speed limit, of course.

 

Guilt was now starting to eat him alive. It tore away at him, leaving him helpless and angry, and nothing but a useless person that can’t do anything right.

 

Dean felt like shit.

 

Mentally and physically. His brain felt fuzzy and it ached, and it felt like a thousand hands were pulling at him. His vision was blurred and unsteady. He could already feel nausea bubbling up inside him, but he reached for the bottle beside him again, bringing it to his lips.

He shifted so he was spread out on the couch. His body felt heavy.

When he heard knocking his head throbbed harder.

 

"Dean!" somebody yelled. He couldn’t tell who it was, not in this state. The mystery person knocked again. "Please," they said, quieter this time. "Let me in. Let me help you."

When Dean didn’t say anything, the person stopped trying to ask. He heard a muttered “dammit, Dean” and the turn of a doorknob. Fuck, he didn’t lock it, did he?

Another reason why he’s a friggin idiot.

While drunk, Dean apparently liked to think about how he screwed up everything. How he always managed to let everyone down, especially people who were the closest to him, and especially people who he cared about. Dean blinked, and he was seeing triple. And when he saw three Castiels, all he could think was there’s three of him to disappoint now.

 

"Dean," Castiel chastised softly, looking at Dean’s figure and the bottles. "Why did you do this?"

 

“What d’ ya mean?” Dean tried to take another gulp of the beer he had in his hand but Castiel grabbed it from him before he could.

 

“Dean.” Castiel sounded more hurt than angry, “Why didn’t you call me?”

 

“I’m a lost cause, Caddiel. Just leave.”

 

“Dean i’m not leaving you. Stay there i’m going to make coffee.” Castiel ran over to the coffee pot and got everything together as fast as he could, also managing to put a hot pack in the microwave to heat up.

 

While both things were in the process of getting ready, Castiel jogged back to Dean, who was stumbling around the room.

 

“Dean. Dean!” Castiel caught Dean before he tripped over his own weight, “You need to sit down and wait for the coffee to finish.”

 

“No you need to sit down.” Dean looked around the room like he’d never seen it before, Castiel still holding onto him. “I want to watch a movie.”

 

Castiel sighed, “Dean, we need to get you better. We can watch a movie once you feel-”

 

“No!” Dean ripped out of Castiel’s grip, objecting like a 5 year old that doesn’t want to eat his vegetables, “I want to watch a movie! I want to watch It’s A Wonderful Life!”

 

Castiel took a deep breath, “Dean, that’s a Christmas movie. I doubt they’ll be playing that on TV.”

 

“Stop being such a meanie Castiel. Dey will have it.”

Castiel was about to counter that when the beeping of the microwave went off, and soon after the coffee. Castiel didn’t bother with any cream and sugar, he doubted Dean would be very particular at this moment.

 

“No I don’t want that!” Dean ducked away from Castiel’s attempt to place the hot pack on his head and his attempt to hand him the coffee.

 

“Fine, Dean. If you let me help you i’ll watch the movie with you.” Castiel sighed as Dean gave a dorky drunk smile. “Take this and drink.” Castiel handed him the cup of coffee and led him to the couch. “I’ll get the movie ready.”

 

Castiel walked over to the TV and got the remote, scrolling through his DVR and hoping he actually had the movie.

 

Relieved to know he wouldn’t have to go out and get the movie, seeing it on his list of saved movies Castiel sat next to Dean and pressed play.

 

“Take this and keep it on your forehead. Let me know when it gets cold.” Castiel handed him a hot pack he kept in his car incase anything like this ever happened.

 

Dean let out a happy sigh as he put the hot pack on his head. Castiel leaned back and shifted his attention back and forth from the movie to Dean throughout the movie.

 

The movie had gotten to the part when George Bailey was thinking of jumping off the bridge. Castiel was about to turn off the movie to spare Dean from memories Castiel didn’t want him to relive when he felt a weight on his shoulder.

 

Castiel looked down to his right shoulder and smiled as he saw Dean fast asleep, his warm breath tickling the nook of his neck. Castiel was tired and thought this was the time to go home, but he had to admit the end of this movie was his favorite part. Not to mention there was no way he was going to leave and risk Dean waking up and drinking again, so Castiel decided to stay.

 

He fell asleep almost immediately after the movie ended

 

************************

 

Castiel could feel the warmth of sunlight creep through the window and onto his eyelids. He tried to close his eyes tighter in a false hope it would block out the rising sun, but to no avail, the light still crept through his eyelids.

 

The red, teary green eyes Dean had as Castiel walked through the door. The soft glow of the television as the black and white movie played on and how it highlighted every curve of Dean’s face as he smiled towards the movie. Most of all, he remembered the warm breath on the nook of his neck as Dean snuggled up against it when he fell asleep.

 

Castiel took a quick survey of his surroundings. Dean had gone from on his neck to in his lap sometime during the night. Castiel decided it would be best if he got up and made some coffee now so when Dean woke up he wouldn’t have to wait to feel better.

 

Castiel gently lifted Dean’s head up slightly, just enough for him to quietly slide out from under the sleeping boy. He took the now-cold cup of coffee from the night before over to the sink, emptying it out before putting it in the dishwasher. Before he did anything else, he picked up his phone and put on his favorite song by his favorite band and began to softly sing along to it.

 

“Hey Jude, don’t be afraid. Take a sad song, and make it better.”

 

He started to brew another pot of coffee for the two of them, while also tidying up the living room/kitchen from beer bottles. Contemplating a way to get Dean to talk to him about why he let go all the while.

 

“Hey Jude, don’t let me down. You have found her now go and get her.”

 

Almost immediately after Castiel cleaned up the remnants of last nights disaster, the coffee beeped ready. Castiel sighed as he looked at his watch, walking over to the machine. He figured he should wake Dean now and get the worst part over with.

 

“Remember to let her under your skin. Then you’ll begin, to make it better.”

 

Pouring the coffee into an ACDC mug he found, Castiel looked around for the cream and sugar, finding them quickly as he keeps his cream in sugar in almost the same place. Recalling the times they spent together and how Dean always drinks his coffee with a little bit of cream and 3 packs of sugar, Castiel had no worries if he was right or not.

 

“Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude.”

 

As he walked back over to the couch with coffee mug in one hand, he tried fixing the blue tie he slept in last night that seemed to twist backwards. But with one hand he couldn’t do anything to fix it, so he just left it there.

 

He set the mug down on the coffee table, where he picked up the one from the night before and bent down to try and wake Dean, hoping he wasn’t one of those people who freaks out if they wake up to someone looking at them.

 

“Dean, wake up. I have coffee.” Castiel placed a hand on his shoulder and began to rock Dean gently back and forth, slowly increasing the power as he didn’t wake.

 

“Dean come on the coffee is getting cold.” Castiel tried to shake him harder but Dean showed no signs of waking.

 

“Dean?” Castiel put a hand on Dean’s cheek as his mind filled with thoughts he didn’t want to be true.

 

“Dean!” Castiel put both hands on Dean’s face and started shaking him back and forth, not caring about how much pain Dean will be in from the jolting. But only caring that he wakes up to feel it.

 

“No you asshole don’t do this! Get the fuck up!” Castiel stopped shaking him and put a single hand under his nose, searching for any sign of breath, but found none.

 

“Dean!” Castiel yelled before he ran to the phone to call 911, even though he knew it was too late. He screamed at the operator to send someone over to the two of them and hung up as soon as he could, sprinting so fast back to Dean he almost ripped the phone wire out of the wall.

 

“Dean please wake up this isn’t funny anymore.” Castiel’s voice became weak and desperate as he lifted Dean’s upper body up at a slight angle.

 

“Dean please.” Castiel stroked his hand gently through Dean’s hair, remembering all the regrets he had about the boy with the bright green eyes. How they never got to hold hands together. How they never were able to call each other theirs. How, after all the chances and hints, they will never be able to experience their first kiss.

 

Castiel saw a single tear hit Dean’s cheekbone and trickle down the side of his head. He shook him one more time, hoping maybe this time something would be different. He hung his head as nothing changed, but at the same time, something did. Castiel noticed a little thing fall from one of Dean’s hands, probably from the last shake he received. He reached over to pick it up from the ground and hold it out in front of him, still holding Dean at the same angle with one arm.

 

Castiel whimpered as the mystery object appeared to be his AA coin. The coin Castiel first gave him when they met. He gave it to Dean, not as just a requirement that all the sponsors had to do, but as a promise to Dean. A promise that he would do anything he could to keep him from falling off the edge. But he failed. He failed the promise, the coin, and Dean.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Castiel clenched the coin as more tears started streaming down his face. “I’m so, so sorry.”

 

Castiel shoved his hand in his jacket pocket, hoping he didn’t take it out. As his hand came up with the crumpled piece of paper titled

To Charlie and Cas, July 14. He carefully unfolded the piece of paper and read it to himself.

 

Jul. 14

 

I cant do this anymore. It’s my fault Sammy’s dead. I should’ve been there for him. I shouldn’t have left him alone with all that guilt he had.

 

Charlie,

I'm so sorry. You did everything you could. This wasn't your fault no matter what you think. This is my own. You were the best friend I could ever had hoped for. And for that i'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Charlie.

 

Cas,

 

I know you're going to be the one to find this because Charlie is away, so make sure she gets what I wrote. Look, Cas, there is something I want you to know before you forget about me. Some thing I should've told you before, I just didn't know the words. I love you, Castiel. I know it sounds fucked up or whatever, but I do. Even with all thats happened, with out short friendship, I just know. And I wanted you to know. Because one stone I couldn't leave unturned before I go, was telling you. Telling you that I wish the situation was different. I wish I could still be there to hold your hand and kiss your cheek. I wish I could be there to get better for you.

But most of all, I wish you truly knew how much I love you,

Dean

 

He held his breath longer than normal, thinking if whether or not he should do what he was about to, but at the same time not caring if it was right or wrong at that point. He leaned down to press his lips gently against Dean’s. He tried to hold back tears as the fact that he could never return it crossed his mind. Dean’s lips were still warm and full of color, even though it would soon be the opposite. And his green eyes still had a hint of light in them. As Castiel came back up from the last ditch effort to have something small with Dean.

 

“Goodbye, Dean.” Castiel whispered, looking longingly down at the boy without enough time. He knew that was it. Thier first kiss. And their last.


End file.
